Young Daughter Saw My Breast in Dressing Room and Is Asking to See Them Again
The Ethicist
My Daughter Is Having Sexual activity With Her Best Friend. Must I Tell Her Mom?
The magazine'south Ethicist columnist on whether to go along your teenager's sexual human relationship hole-and-corner — and more than.
My daughter is in a newly romantic human relationship with her all-time friend, who is likewise female. Both are in their midteens. My daughter recently confided in me that they accept had sexual activity. She insists, notwithstanding, that I am not immune to tell the friend'southward mother, considering the mother wouldn't let them have sleepovers or hang out every bit much. My ex-husband is the 1 who hosts the sleepovers, and he looks the other manner when they are in the bedroom, reasoning that (or so my daughter tells me), "It's OK considering there are no penises involved." I am non as close with the friend'due south female parent equally my ex-married man is, but we are friendly. Am I obligated to tell this woman the truth most the nature of our daughters' friendship? Are my ex-husband's actions egregious? Proper noun Withheld
Your ex-husband'south mental attitude has a couple of points in its favor. Forbidding concrete intimacy under his roof is unlikely to stop it from happening. And it'southward surely better to accept a daughter who feels that she can tell you both what she's doing. If the two girls are having a sexual relationship, you don't want it conducted furtively. It's best when there'due south a parent in the flick who can assistance pick up the emotional pieces if things fall apart. Even when unwanted pregnancy isn't a concern, physical intimacy can entail other forms of vulnerability.
But the story apace gets complicated. I mentioned picking up the pieces: Intense adolescent relationships can blow up badly, in all kinds of ways. If that were to happen, her girlfriend's mother would most probable discover out and feel that you had wronged her. That'south reasonable plenty. Letting a child stay with others involves trust. And keeping the sexual relationship from her would exist a betrayal of that trust.
Unlike you and your ex-husband, she would be completely unprepared if annihilation went wrong. A further complication: Although the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that one-5th of girls have had sex by the time they're xv, many states in the country lack a "shut-in-age exemption" to their statutes against sex with minors. Depending on where you live, a sexually agile relationship between 2 minors may be a felony. (In that location could be scenarios where even palliating it creates legal exposure.)
Fifty-fifty when unwanted pregnancy isn't a concern, physical intimacy tin entail other forms of vulnerability.
Whatever the statutory state of affairs, parents rightly call up they should have a central place in shaping the context of their offsprings' sexual development. The girlfriend'southward mother is entitled to know what's going on.
Unfortunately, a tangle of ties is in play here. Yous don't want to damage your relationship with your daughter (this is someone who trusted y'all with a confidence), with your ex-husband (parents who share custody need as much cordiality as they tin manage) or with the girlfriend's mother. You and your ex-husband volition have to tread advisedly around the fact that you've already betrayed the trust that immune her daughter to sleep over at his firm.
The right place to begin, I remember, is to accept a conversation with your girl and your ex-husband, explaining why the mother has to exist told of the girls' sexual relationship. This chat isn't going to exist piece of cake. Your daughter will feel you're sabotaging her love matter. Your husband volition think you're getting him in trouble with his friend, the other mother. And you lot'll have to consult with the girlfriend too. You lot don't need her consent, but she's entitled to fair observe; she might want to be the ane to do the telling. These are all tough things to accept to deal with.
It doesn't sound equally if the other mom will admittedly forbid her daughter to see yours, fifty-fifty if she stops the sleepovers — as she has a right to do until her daughter reaches legal independence. Withal, in talking to the mother, you might desire to point out that yous parents aren't actually in a position to stop the 2 girls from having a sexual human relationship and that your ex-husband's permissive attitude may be a reasonable 1.
I am an anesthesiologist at a busy multisurgeon plastic-surgery practice. One of the surgeons has started offering a "tongue bifurcation" process wherein the tongue is split down the middle, creating a lizardlike appearance for patients who are interested in torso modification. I discover I have a deep disfavor to this surgery, to the point where I would similar to pass up to take part. Nonetheless, this ways that one of my partners would be stuck with the piece of work or — worse — that a procedure might need to be canceled and rescheduled, to the inconvenience of patient and surgeon. I too recognize that I willingly take part in other trunk modifications similar breast implants, rhinoplasty and gender-affirming surgery. Is it reasonable for me to draw a line? Name Withheld
People who seek this lizardlike await are doing something to their bodies that — in most states — they are free to exercise. No third parties are beingness harmed. And then ask yourself what footing you have for not participating in their surgery. If your revulsion derives from an artful disagreement, does that mean you recollect all the other surgeries you engage in effect in aesthetic improvements? Is information technology whatsoever of your concern if clients chose to make themselves less attractive to you?
The most obvious reason not to participate in this procedure would be an undue risk of complications. The American Dental Association advises against tongue splitting, deeming it an invasive procedure "with negative wellness sequelae" — including severe bleeding, infection and nerve harm — "that outweigh any potential benefit." It's unclear how the association calculates the benefits. People who desire divide tongues aren't trying to entreatment to you or me; they're presumably trying to await absurd or otherwise attractive to members of a particular subculture. Buttock augmentation may appeal to a wider set, but information technology, besides, can involve diverse risks: infection, capsular contracture, sciatic neuropathy, fat embolism. And if you generally objected to surgery performed without a medical objective, yous would surely have a range of other procedures in your sights too.
Is there a principled distinction to be drawn here? Possibly. You would take to have reliable data about the rates of serious complications. (In England, an appeals court has agreed that information technology constitutes, in one instance, "grievous bodily harm," and two official medical bodies have cited the risks of hemorrhage and nerve damage.) If information technology turns out that the chances of adverse consequences actually are substantially higher for this procedure than for the others that your practice offers, you would accept a solid "First, practise no harm" argument not merely for refraining but as well for discouraging your colleagues from continuing to offer the service. But if you find yourself making this case, exist sure that it'due south more than a "yuck" response masquerading equally a rubber business concern; you don't desire to exist speaking with a forked tongue.
For 48 years, I have regretted my behavior in abandoning a pregnant girlfriend. But I have done nothing. Should I now?
We dated during the last weeks of our senior twelvemonth in higher. When she learned she was meaning, I urged her to get an ballgame, because I didn't want the responsibilities of fatherhood or marriage. She had no interest in abortion and, in the ensuing argument, told me she never wanted to come across me once again. I used that as a go-out-of-jail-free menu, left town for a postgraduate fellowship and never saw her or spoke to her again.
In the one-half-century since, I made desultory efforts to track her down, to no avail. (She had a very common proper name and left no obvious tracks.) Now, I believe I have found her. I would similar to write to her to repent for being such a cocky-centered coward and abandoning her when she most needed support. But she might non welcome such a gesture so belatedly in the game. She has fabricated no attempt to contact me, and neither has her child (if the pregnancy produced one). Should I reach out? Name Withheld
Not if your aim is to secure forgiveness and "closure." That would brand your desire to get in touch with her as self-centered as your treatment of her was all those years ago. And you should requite serious idea to the possibility that y'all would be stirring up a painful episode from her by. But if your aim is only to apologize — to acknowledge how badly you lot let her down — so it's probably a chance worth taking.
Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. His books include "Cosmopolitanism," "The Laurels Code" and "The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity." To submit a query: Send an email to ethicist@nytimes.com; or transport postal service to The Ethicist, The New York Times Magazine, 620 Eighth Artery, New York, N.Y. 10018. (Include a daytime phone number.)
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/22/magazine/ethicist-teenage-sex-parenting.html
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